As the eldest of three, with a handicapped sister in the middle and a cherished young brother nine years junior, I grew up with chips on my shoulders. Most of my problems were perceived rather than real, and unfortunately, I carried into adulthood the faulty perception syndrome. Most of my peers had an innate self-confidence that I lacked.
Childhood memories are a jumble of highs and lows, but one stands out clearly now, although the details are a bit foggy, like a castle, majestic and invincible, silhouetted through a Scottish mist. I was about 11 years old; mature for my age in some ways, incredibly naïve in others. We had completed a Religious Instruction class that morning, and I was a hanger on with a couple of other girls from down the street. We discussed enthusiastically the concept of Jesus having died for us, which had captured our attention during the lesson, and in our Church of England background, which, reminiscently, did not seem to include grace, we decided that we should do something back for Jesus! Well, the other girls went first, and said they would try to be well-behaved, polite, generous – I can’t remember now all the good things they were going to do, but I remember thinking, “What is there left for me?” I don’t know whether my contribution was given hesitantly or boldly, with humility or self-promotion, but the gist was, “If He was prepared to do that for me, I will try to bear pain like Him.” Oh, the naivety of that long ago eleven year old! And oh, the grace and mercy of my God, my Lord! The mists swallowed the memory for a long time, after those teenage years arrived, and rebellion set in.
With leaving school and starting work, some measure of confidence was achieved, and my self worth gained a little momentum. Once progression had been made into the Police Force, (and all the concomitant dramas involved) church-going fell away, with shift work being the excuse if needed. The concept of personal accountability or a personal relationship had not been explored in any way.
Police work was fulfilling, demanding, exciting, and brought with it respect and recognition. Even persecution by the criminal element of society became challenging, and with hindsight I am aware that God was doing a work in me, helping me to love and respect people, and building into the framework of my being some of the characteristics He wanted to develop. How I regret that I quenched the Spirit in those days, but how grateful I am that God did not let go, or give up. I picture Him now, as He held me with strong elastic, allowing my straying but not allowing full rein so that He could always change my direction when it got too dangerous.
Pursuing my own agenda, or so I thought, Africa called to me, and to the great dismay of my family, green fields in Northern Rhodesia, now Zambia, became my pasture, where I needed God’s protection over my spiritual life more than I ever recognised. Away from home, temptations abounded, some of which were given in to, while others I managed to avoid. Feeling the need for marriage and children and commitment, I fell in love with love. Some of my inherent approval addiction, and people pleasing characteristics led me in to a roller coaster marriage, where I learned that not everyone has the same sacrificial abilities that full dedication means. Three wonderful children later (plus two miscarriages) brought me eventually to a realisation of my need for God in my life in a real way. I had prayed; oh how I had prayed, that He would give me what I asked – changes!
Changes in my husband’s attitude.
Changes in my reactions and in my abilities to cope.
Changes in my lifestyle, and to stop my husband’s drinking, which led to so much abuse, anger, bitterness.
I did not want a divorce; it was against my principles and against all I held dear – family life, sharing, and loving. Most of all loving. I wanted God to work a miracle, to make all the bad go away and all the good to remain. He did not do that.
Some mornings when all seemed hopeful, I would sing out loud, tone deaf though I am, “New Every Morning is the Love, Our waking and Uprising proof”, echoes of the school assembly and words etched in my heart. I clung to the hope that God would undertake. Then, as conditions deteriorated, my faith dimmed, and satan, unrecognisable though he was at that time, put thoughts into my mind. He used devious and varied means; sometimes “innocent” friends being his instruments to lead me to the conclusion that God actually did not care. If He really loved me, as I had thought He did, He would change my situation. If He really loved me He would make my husband want to be the husband and father that I desired of him. Instead, in what I perceived to be an increasingly untenable situation, I moved out, and became a divorce statistic.
That decision brought knowledge and understanding that may have otherwise escaped me.
· Pain is not only physical, and panaceas of pills and potions do not work.
· There are emotional and spiritual injuries that call for specialised healing.
· My own strength was not good enough. I needed supernatural strength to survive and overcome.
· Jesus Christ was calling me by name!
· Only He could bring me peace of mind in forgiveness and new life.
· This called for commitment that I had never recognised or attempted before. It meant a complete change-around and submission to Him and Him alone. No more “I’ll do it my way.” Instead was the decision of doing it God’s way.
That has meant a truly incredible awareness of pitfalls and dangers that lie in wait for our children in these days. Being a prayer warrior for our children and their marriages has become a priority, and being a witness to God’s Love with our grandchildren is a real blessing.
God restored the years the locusts had eaten in so much as He gave me a new marriage, more children as my step-children and I mutually accepted each other, and now, 25 years down the line, 11 wonderful grand-children. In the restoration and blessings I have received, it is my heart’s desire to help others find hope, comfort and the encouragement to carry on, on the path God has for them.
